Losing weight... again. Sighhh.

      Before I got pregnant, I lost over 90lbs in 9 months. I was a kicking ass gym loving machine. When I got pregnant, it sucked the energy out of me. I would come home everyday from work, put on PJ's and sleep. I mean, SLEEP. 6pm until the very next morning. I could barely function at work, and I would fall asleep at the dinner table constantly. I was drained.

      My religious gym routine took a major nose dive, but I was pretty good about watching what I ate. But when I got to be about 20 weeks along, and none of my clothes fit, my diet went all to hell also. I just quit all together. It was too much work and I was too emotionally and physically drained to keep up with the calorie counting anymore.

      By the time my son was born, I had gained 50lbs total. From what the doctor said, that was pretty normal and she expected that much from me. I was mad, but when I went back for my 6 week check up, I had lost all but 15lbs of it!! It would take me less than 2 months to lose that 15lbs if I had done it right away....

      Unfortunately, I was put on an anti-depressant for a severe case of the 'baby blues', as well as birth control pills during that visit. I also wasn't cleared to go to the gym yet because my c-section experience had been so traumatic that I could still barely bend to pick anything off the floor.

      The anti-depressant and the birth control pills - along with me not being able to exercise yet - was a recipe for my body's disaster. I soon packed on another 30lbs in the last 4 months. I am ALMOST the same weight I was when I was 9 months pregnant. Isn't that ridiculous? I am, in no means blaming my weight gain solely on the medication, but it certainly didn't help. I have since stopped both medications and the gain has slowed a LOT, but I still can't get my diet under control.

      My husband and I have opposite schedules, so going to the gym for either of us is IMPOSSIBLE. He is with my son all morning long, then has to go to work until 11:00pm every night. I work a regular 8-5pm job, so I am with only my son all night long. None of the gym's here in my area offer childcare for children under the age of 1 year, and I live too far away from any relatives to ask them to watch him for a few hours a week so that I can get a gym routine in check. I feel so alone all the time. I eat to compensate for feeling lonely as well as slightly depressed about my life getting blown to pieces over the past year.

      I just don't know what to do. I think I'm going to start bringing the gym to me. I want to buy an elliptical and put it in my son's room. I'll move his crib into my bedroom if I have to. I just can't keep doing this anymore. I feel so guilty for my gain and I feel like people are constantly judging me for gaining weight back after I just had my child. I also feel like my husband is disappointed in me. He was SO proud of me before, and our relationship was amazing. It still is, for the most part, but it could be better if I just FELT better about myself.

      I try to explain to people WHY it has been impossible for me to get back in shape, and I feel like they think I'm making excuses or that I am full of shit. They will never understand how wrong they are or how awful I already feel without them judging me. Especially these dicks with no kids. I want to get out of my house and work out. I want to sweat and have that hour away sometimes.

      Guess where I'll be on Saturday morning? The fucking gym.