Selfish feelings?

      I've decided that going to BabyCenter.com to get some honest opinions was probably not the best idea. Obviously that website is full of stay at home mama's who don't like hearing others opinions or my use of language.

      I get it. You weren't raised this way and don't understand my use of profanity. That's cool. Don't read the fuckery that I post then. Deal?

      Moving on, a few girls did bring up a good point - feeling alone in your 'selfish' feelings. You girls aren't alone. Trust me on this. I know it's a hard thing to talk about because it may make you feel like you're a terrible person or a terrible mother, but you aren't. I wish that I could go to the gym and get my old body back. I wish I had more energy. I wish I had more money to spend on things for MYSELF, but my son constantly needs formula, diapers, and clothes.

      Some of them expressed selfish feelings of wanting to stop breast feeding so that they can drink soda/beer/whatever. That's okay. That's the entire reason that I decided to formula feed. (Well, that and I couldn't figure it out and was too embarassed to ask for help.)

      It is something that a lot of us struggle with, and I am definitely one of them. Sometimes, when a rare phone call comes from my friends and they are all at some bar or resturant having drinks and sharing dirty jokes and sex stories, I get immensely jealous and want to cry. None of them understand the challenges I've faced in the past year because either they don't have kids or they are comfortable pawning them off on family members more often than I am willing to do. They check in at concerts, shows, movie theaters, etc. I feel a wave of emotion come over me. When my son was smaller, I'd stare at home and feel a slight tinge of resentment at his timing. Now that he is older and smiles when I walk in the room or laughs when I talk to him, I don't have that feeling anymore. Now, I just feel... I don't know, frusterated?

      My husband and I have opposite working schedules. I work from 8-5pm and he works 3-11pm. We also live 20+ minutes away from the one person I'd be comfortable leaving my son with so that I could go to the gym or have dinner with friends -- my mother. So needless to say, I get NO alone time and almost NO time with my friends. The nights that my husband is off, (which is twice every 8 days or so), I like to spend time with him. I feel guilty if I leave him alone with our son for too long, and I rush home because I know his patience isn't as good as mine and my fear of my husband resenting ME overwhelms me.

      However, I am attending a 'girls night' at a friend of mines this Saturday night and leaving my son home with my husband. I hope that I can actually enjoy myself.