My anxiety is through the roof lately. It's bad enough that I have been considering talking to my primary care doctor about it. Baby J is my whole world. The sun rises and sets with him. He is my shadow. I get up, go to work, pick him up, play with him, feed him and off to bed he goes around 8pm every night.
     From 8pm until 11:30pm or so, I am alone. I wish so badly that I could go to the gym. I know part of my social anxiety is because I have gained all the weight that I lost before I got pregnant with Baby J back in 2010. I'm embarassed. I don't have any clothes, and I feel uncomfortable in social situations now. Anyone who knows me, knows that this isn't typical. It's quite the opposite actually. I am so physically exhausted by the time Jackson goes to bed that, to be honest, doing a workout at home.... is horrific for me. It never worked for me before. I needed the PUSH of the gym equipment, and the feel of the sauna afterwards kept my degenerative disc disease from flaring up and allowed me to continue on. I just MISS that escape so much.
      My parents were looking at apartments really close to mine recently, and I was really hoping that they would move closer so that I could leave Baby J with them a few days a week just so that go to the gym. They ended up resigning the lease with their old apartment complex since they didn't think they could afford to move. I was honestly devastated, though I would never tell anyone because it was for selfish reasons only.
      I looked into a gym by our house that supposively has the best child care of any of the gyms in our area. Unfortuntely, it is almost $75 a month JUST for me. I decided that when Baby J turns a year old next month, I will take him to the gym that I am a baby of already and try out their child care facility and see how he likes it. I am honestly afraid of exposing him to new germs more than anything. Thats my anxiety flaring up again.
     I find myself making excuses for my weight gain and crazy overprotectiveness of Baby J. I know there isn't any excuse. I know that I could do home exercises every single night and lose weight consistantly. I also know fully that my eating habits are horrific. Being home alone all the time makes it really easy to order food out or stop by a fast food place on the way home. I can't cook at home when it is just me and Baby J. He is all over me, climbing my legs and such. If I keep him no the other side of the baby gate, he just shakes it and screams. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of disappointment.