Dealing with uncomfortable emotions...

I don't know if I've posted this here before, because honestly, it's not something that I like to talk about and I literally live in fear of speaking about it online.. because once it's here, it never goes away. Once you post it, it can always be found. Being that this is an anonymous blog and none of you know who I am - I think this is pretty safe.

My MIL and I don't get along. We can be cordial, but we have never really gotten along. She has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. In the 7 years I have been with my husband, I have seen too many ups and downs to count with her. From extreme ups to the lowest of lows; even being admitted into the hospital for treatment a few summers ago.

I am not comfortable with MIL watching Baby J for extended periods of time. I feel uneasy about it, not to mention that MIL babysat Baby J for a while when I went back to work and it was a disaster for my marriage to say the least. She doesn't make a solid effort to spend time with Baby J like my parents do, and it isn't anyone's fault but her own - but if you asked her, she would blame my husband and I completely. We have both told MIL on several occasions that if she ever wants to see Baby J, all she has to do is call and one of us will being him over for a while. She rarely calls.

Today my husband called me to tell me that his mom is coming to get Baby J tomorrow afternoon and is taking him to see his grandmother in cousins in a neighboring city and wouldn't be home until late, 9 or so. She asked him to pick Baby J up from her house on his way home from work. (Mind you, she lives 2 miles way from our home and my husband doesn't get off work until almost midnight.) I flat out said no to that part. If she wants to take my kid, she can bring him home at a decent hour. I know she asked this to avoid me, but sorry, it's not gonna happen.

I wish I could talk to my husband and explain how I feel. He believes that I don't like Baby J being alone with MIL simply because "I don't like her" and "don't want her to have a strong relationship with Baby J", which isn't the same - at all. Not even close. I would love for Baby J to have a better relationship with MIL but it isn't my responsibility. If she wanted to be close with him, she would. She would call my husband and he would take him over there for a visit. She just doesn't call, so my husband doesn't go visit.

I want to tell him that I don't think he takes the fact that she is a diagnosed and medicated bipolar person and what that really means. It worries me to leave my son with her for extended periods of time. I know she loves him and would never hurt him, but I worry about her patience. I worry about the fact that he is so picky and particular and she knows nothing about him. I worry about the fact that he home isn't even CLOSE to baby proofed, and he is tearing into everything right now. I worry that she will feed him things that I don't want him to eat. I just worry because they don't have much of a relationship and I don't trust ANYONE with my son. It scares me to death.

When I've tried to talk to him about it, I don't think he hears me. He gets mad at me instead of tries to understand why I feel the way I feel.

My first Mothers Day

My very first Mothers Day was this past Sunday, and to be honest, it wasn't all that great. Seemed like a normal Sunday.

I woke up and took care of Baby J until my husband woke up around 9:30am. He took me out to breakfast (which was nice and out of the ordinary!) and it was fun except that Baby J started to get whiney and tired and we had to rush the last bit of it.

Once we got home, I went to take a nap. All I asked for was a nap for Mothers Day. One, long uninterrupted nap. Nobody calling me waking me up, no alarm clocks and no crying babies. Instead, the baby slept in his crib next to our bed and woke me up a little over an hour into my nap. So much for that.

My husband went to work, then I had to get both myself and my son dressed to head to my Mom's house. We exchanged gifts (she got me a beautiful dress that fit perfect) and I got her a Keurig. She set up a table full of finger foods, and my nephews and I ate until we couldn't eat anymore. Meanwhile, Baby J is crabby and I was crabby because of my half asses nap.

Not going to lie, I am sad that I didn't get a card, my long nap or the curtains I asked for in my bedroom. It's made me re-think my plans for Father's Day also.

I ended up deciding not to get cards or gifts for my own mother or mother in law from Baby J. I didn't have much money left and didn't want to start a tradition that I may not be able to uphold. Shitty, I know.

Mother's Day is cominnnnng

My first real Mother's Day is coming, and I'm not sure what to expect. Last year, I got a card from my mom, my husband and my father in law - all "Mama to be" cards, it was so sweet! I honestly want something relaxing. Maybe a new bed set, a massage, a few hours alone would be nice too.

I'm also kind of stuck on what I am supposed to do, if anything, for my mother and my mother in law. Do I buy cards and put Jackson's hand print in them? Do I make something? Am I even supposed to do that...?

I'm not sure what the ettique it on that part. I know my mother wouldn't care either way, but I would hear about it forever from my Mother in law, I am sure of it.

Suggestions?

I think I like him.

This is going to be one brutally honest bloggery right here.

Well, I had a pretty severe case of the baby blue after Baby J was born, and it was awful. Medication and time has healed a lot of how I felt, but the other day is dawned on me that I genuinely LIKE Baby J now.

I always know that I LOVED him, but being someones Mama is hard work. It takes a lot of time, patience and dedication - all of which I have almost none of. I went through the motions for a few months - doing what I was supposed to do. It's a hard thing to feed someone, bathe them, clothe them, entertain them, and then do it over and over and over with what FEELS like no return except a crying baby and an even more crying and frusterated Mama.

In the last two months, Baby J has become fun. He laughs, talks, and is able to finally entertain himself and play on his own for a few minutes. He also holds his own bottle, sits up, rolls around on the floor and watches cartoons. Putting his own pacifier in his mouth has been something new, which has saved me SO much. Not to mention that he now sleeps in his crib and only wakes up once.

It's getting easier, and I am enjoying his company more often. It's a funny thing to think and to say, because I think so many people just aren't honest about the adjustment and how sometimes the attachment isn't immediate, it takes some time.

So, yeah. I really like him.

Just the two of us.

Baby J went to play with his grandma yesterday for a little while, so the husband and I went out to dinner and a movie. It was lovely and relaxing. Before we went though, we had to make sure to have sex in the house without Baby J there.

It is a rare occasion, and there is just something different about bumpin' uglies when it's just the two of you in the house. You can be as loud as you want, an there is no baby to accidentally wake up.

The whole day was nice. The bangin, the eatin, and the movie all were fantastic. It was just an overall really great weekend.

First night away from Baby J.

My husband and I went away, just overnight last night, to celebrate our anniversary. We left Baby J with my mama, which is the ONLY person I'd ever leave him with comfortably. I wasn't really nervous about it as much as I just felt guilty. I know mama's and daddy's need time away for themselves sometimes, and I understand it. I guess it's just hard for me to admit when I need help taking care of me. I know I can take care of Baby J just fine, but I just have a hard time taking care of myself also. I walk around in clothes that don't fit, shoes with holes in them, roots 3 inches long, and makeup that doesn't match my skin because I can't bare to spend a dime on material things for myself when I know Baby J almost always need something.

So, spending the whole day just with my husband was nice yesterday. I made the huge mistake of wearing a new pair of sandals that my mom bought me for my birthday (last weekend, I needed them so bad, as seen above) and I got huge, nasty blisters on my feet. I didn't bring any extra shoes since we were only staying one night. My feet hurt like crazy and I felt like such a cry baby. It sucked.

Husband bought me some new shoes though, nice tennis shoes from an outlet mall, and they are amazing. I am so happy. We had an amazing dinner and delicious lunch, stayed in a nice hotel and it was just nice. Last night though, I barely slept. I tossed and turned all night and couldn't sleep. I was really disappointed because it was my first night not having to wake up and feed Baby J a few times a night and I was really looking forward to the sleep.

I don't know if that part of my life is gone or what, but I woke up several times through the night and ended up barely sleeping at all. Must have just been my maternal clock ringing. More like screaming.

Oh, and my period decided to start the day before we left for the trip. First period in 4 months, by the way.

On a good note, my parents bought me an elliptical for my birthday. It's set up in Baby J's room, facing the TV. Tomorrow will be the first day that I am full blown calorie counting and exercising again. I am so afraid it isn't funny. I don't know how many times I have started, and failed. Then started again, and failed.  It's even more embarrassing than before because I KNOW what to do now, it's just a matter of will power.

6 months old.

My spawn is 6 months old now. We took him to get his pictures done and he is adorable. I mailed the pictures out yesterday. I can't wait to put ours in frames and put them on our walls. My apartment has become a husge clusterfuck of pictures of my baby. Yes, he is just that cute.

Things have been alright otherwise. Sometimes I feel like I am going to have a mini breakdown. I really miss my friends a lot, and I miss my freedom even more than that.

My birthday is this weekend, and I have been begging for an elliptical for months now. I can't go to the gym so I want something at home that I can do after Baby J goes to nappy's house for the night. I am a machine loving fool; and I need something I can SEE the calories on. Stupid, I know, but I need some motivation.

The following weekend is mine and the husband's wedding anniversary. This will also be the first time that we have spent a night away from Baby J since he was born. I am looking forward to it so much!