It's been a while..

It's been 5 months since I updated, and a lot has happened.  Baby J is currently occupying himself by jumping on the couch, and I'm going to let him because it looks like a blast and he's laughing his ass off.

DH applied out of state for a police officer job, but so did 1500 other people in that area. He scored #243 out of 1500 people, and they are only hiring about 100 people. Needless to say, he didn't get the job.

I got a huge raise and a promotion at work. A leadership position for a 3 dollar an hour raise! It hasn't gone into effect yet, but I can't wait to see how big of a difference it really makes in our lives.

DH is tired of his job and wants a change. We can afford for him to go back to school, but even with my raise I am not sure we could afford full time daycare, so he is pretty bummed. I think he feels bored and that our lives are boring, which they are for the most part. We wake up, go to work, take care of our kid and never do anything else.  I can see why he would feel this way. I want desperately to help him, I just don't know what I can do.

Baby J's babysitter is moving out of town, so we had to find a new sitter. We did find one who came from a friends recommendation and lives closer to us, also. We met her and I really liked her. He starts in a few weeks and I am kind of nervous. Jackson is weird about new people, so I wonder how it will go. Luckily he loves other kids and the other children she keeps are his age.

Weight loss? I did well for a month or so and then I got bronchitis and it all went to hell. I haven't found the right track. I keep failing myself. I feel like I am failing DH also. I know he will love me no matter what, but I also know what it's like to be desired, and this isn't it.

I crave a vacation to somewhere in the sun, but I am too embarrassed to wear a bathing suit and too insecure to be surrounded by a bunch of people who are comfortable in their skin. I know that sounds awful, but it's the truth.

Baby J is talking up a storm now, he babbles like a crazy person. He often sounds like he had a mild form of tourettes. I am so hopelessly in love with him, and he knows it, and runs me over. I'm not the disciplinarian like I thought I would be. As I mentioned above, he's jumping on the couch and I haven't mentioned for him to stop because he is having a blast. This will bite me in the ass very soon, I am sure of it.

Tomorrow, the husband and Baby J are leaving for the weekend to go visit DH's dad 20 hours away. I'm so nervous and freaked out about being away from him for that long, but too be honest, I am looking forward to the alone time.

      As a full time working mom, "alone time" is nonexistant. To be honest, I don't remember the last time that I had a few hours alone to myself. Most of the time, I don't even take a piss alone. It's been a process but I have gotten so used to it that it's normal and I don't think twice when a loud toddle rams the bathroom door open mid-shitting.

      This Christmas will be the first that we have as a family. While they are gone, I am going to clean my house like crazy and then put up the small amount of Christmas decorations that I have. My sister gave me a tree and some lights, my first in many years. I am excited for them to come house and it all be put together.

     Our place raised our rent over $200 a month and we just can't afford to stay. We are moving in January and I am both horrified and excited for the new place. Baby J will finally have his own room, and I am dreading it. Needless to say, he and I have some serious attachment issues.

    I think I'll spend at least one night watching TV all night in my underwear.

     I have never been so broke in my life as we are right now. I have $4 right now and don't get paid for a week; and the only reason I have the $4 I have right now is because my parents gave me $50 to give DH to take with him on his trip because he has no money. We almost didn't get the apartment that we found because there was a $200 deposit. I posted on FB about it and someone mysteriously paid our deposit for us. I have a feeling it was my aunt, but the lady at the complex was sworn to secrecy about who paid. I cried I was so happy and relieved. I didn't know where we were going to live.

      DH is going to visit his dad to apply for a position there. It would be more money and cheaper living expenses. Huge. I want to run away from this place. I am so unhappy.

The cost of having a family.

It's been 2 months since I last wrote. Dang.

        When I last wrote, Baby J had just taken his first steps. Seems like years ago. Baby J is now running around like crazy, proclaiming he has arrived everytime he catches your eye with a loud, "Hey!!!!"

He is outstanding.

      This time of the year if not my favorite. I hate the holidays. They always come with so much drama surrounding DH's family, mostly just my MIL. DH usually works the holidays and she doesn't understand that DH also has my family to visit in the short amount of time that he has on those days before he heads off to work. It's a frusterating situation. At some point between the beginning of November and the end of Decemeber, I will end up crying at least twice. Awful.

      A big thing about the holidays with us, is that we are SO broke, and it is SO expensive to buy for everyone in the family. In fact, last year, MIL agreed that all the adults would only buy for children and no one would buy for each other, since apparently everyone else was also low on cash. Turns out, everyone still bought gifts for one another anyway. I sat there, holding Baby J while DH was gone at work and they exchanged gifts in front of me. I was really embarassed.

      This year we are trying to convince both my family and his to do a white elephant gift or to draw names during Thanksgiving. At least this time if the same thing happens, DH will be with me and I won't be looking stupid alone.

      We are leaving on our first real trip with Baby J next week. We are going to visit DH's dad and his family across the country. I am excited to get away from here for a while. I am also nervous and embarassed because I have gained so much weight since the last time I saw them - about 50lbs. Really embarassing.

Milestones.

        Last week, I saw Baby J take his very first step. This week, he is wobbling all over the place. Only a few feet before he falls, but it is amazing how fast he is learning and growing. I am in awe of him, truly. I saw him take his first few steps and I burst into happy tears and hugged him so tight.

        It's hard to believe in just a few days he will be a whole year old. My husband and I had decided together not to throw a birthday party for him, but he was pressured by his mother to have some sort of family get together for him. It's exactly what I didn't want to do. I would have loved to have a party, but with get togethers always comes drama with my MIL. I didn't want to remember Baby J's first birthday the same as I remember my pregnancy, my baby shower, his birth, his first Christmas... basically all of which are horrific memories for me partly because of some kind of drama with my MIL.

        After a few pretty nasty flare ups between the husband and I, we decided on a small famil dinner at a local resturant - inviting only immediate family on both sides. This still ends up being 15 or so people, but it's a lot better than the 40+ that was on a list for a party we previously planned before my axiety started to get the best of me.

        So tomorrow night is the night and I am really nervous. MIL is very jealous of Baby J's relationship with my parents, and I always hate getting both sides of our family together because of this reason. I just hope it's short, sweet and goes smoothly. I'm not bringing a cake or anything like that. I will have the resturant bring a small peice of dessert for Baby J only and we will sing and open presents as best as we can.

      On his actual birthday, it will be just the husband, Baby J and I enjoying a day on the beach with cupcakes and toys. I want it to be low key and stress free. No family, no friends, no money, no drama. I am really looking forward to that. Please pray that all goes well the next few days. I am pretty stressed as the days get closer together. I just want it all to go well so badly.

     My anxiety is through the roof lately. It's bad enough that I have been considering talking to my primary care doctor about it. Baby J is my whole world. The sun rises and sets with him. He is my shadow. I get up, go to work, pick him up, play with him, feed him and off to bed he goes around 8pm every night.
     From 8pm until 11:30pm or so, I am alone. I wish so badly that I could go to the gym. I know part of my social anxiety is because I have gained all the weight that I lost before I got pregnant with Baby J back in 2010. I'm embarassed. I don't have any clothes, and I feel uncomfortable in social situations now. Anyone who knows me, knows that this isn't typical. It's quite the opposite actually. I am so physically exhausted by the time Jackson goes to bed that, to be honest, doing a workout at home.... is horrific for me. It never worked for me before. I needed the PUSH of the gym equipment, and the feel of the sauna afterwards kept my degenerative disc disease from flaring up and allowed me to continue on. I just MISS that escape so much.
      My parents were looking at apartments really close to mine recently, and I was really hoping that they would move closer so that I could leave Baby J with them a few days a week just so that go to the gym. They ended up resigning the lease with their old apartment complex since they didn't think they could afford to move. I was honestly devastated, though I would never tell anyone because it was for selfish reasons only.
      I looked into a gym by our house that supposively has the best child care of any of the gyms in our area. Unfortuntely, it is almost $75 a month JUST for me. I decided that when Baby J turns a year old next month, I will take him to the gym that I am a baby of already and try out their child care facility and see how he likes it. I am honestly afraid of exposing him to new germs more than anything. Thats my anxiety flaring up again.
     I find myself making excuses for my weight gain and crazy overprotectiveness of Baby J. I know there isn't any excuse. I know that I could do home exercises every single night and lose weight consistantly. I also know fully that my eating habits are horrific. Being home alone all the time makes it really easy to order food out or stop by a fast food place on the way home. I can't cook at home when it is just me and Baby J. He is all over me, climbing my legs and such. If I keep him no the other side of the baby gate, he just shakes it and screams. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of disappointment.

He ate WHAT?

Update to previous post from 6/5/12...

      The hours between when I got off work and Baby J came home (about 9:40pm) were awful. I was literally shaking at some point, wondering how he was doing and if he missed me. It soon became clear to me that this wasn't happening again for a long, long time. Nope.

      When my MIL dropped Baby J off, I snatched him up and hugged him SO TIGHT. His face was sticky and his hair was drenched in sweat. (he sweats like crazy in his sleep, especially in his carseat.) MIL thanked me for letting them take him, then told me a variety of things that he ate while he was gone.

      It wasn't until a little while later that I realized what had happened. I am VERY serious about what Baby J eats. Being an overweight person my whole life, my parents didn't teach me about nutrition. Not until before Baby J was born had I learned anything at all - and thats when I decided to turn my life around. My husband, also being overweight his whole life, doesn't want Baby J to go through the same experiences that he went through. Not to mention the various food allergies in my family. So, in short, we are very serious about what he eats.

      Right now, he eats baby food for breakfast (oatmeal mixed with some kind of fruit usually.) Then a mid-morning 8oz bottle of formula. Lunch time he gets a veggie baby food, then dinner time is a mixed meal of baby food. (turkey with mixed veggies, chicken and rice, etc.) and at that time we usually give him bits and peices of whatever veggie we are eating with our meal. He also gets Gerber baby snacks and watered down sugar free juice in between meals. When he eats something new, it's only that one thing for at least 24 hours. I want to make sure that he doesn't have an allergic reaction. (this was recommended by my pediatrician also.)

      My husband knows how important this is to me. I asked him to please relay this to his mother. Apparently, she forgot. Later on, I see pictures of Baby J on Facebook drinking SWEET TEA of all things, and eating pie, cake, olives, breads, etc. When I unpacked his diaper bag (which was fully stocked with everything she needed) NONE of it had been eaten. None.

      So all 8 hours that my son was gone, he ate a bunch of shit. Not only was it shit, but it was SO much shit. What if he had an allergic reaction and me or my husband wasn't there? How would we even know what was causing the reaction?

      My husband and I had a long heart to heart after this. My heart has been beating twice as fast since this day, I swear to you. I was so angry. I was mostly angry at home for not being forceful with how serious this was and explaining his diet well. He said he didn't think it was as big of a deal as I did. We needed to get on the same page.

      I decided not to mention this to my MIL because I don't want to start any drama. My husband and I decided that next time she wants him (and only for a few hours and not past 7pm at my request and sanity) then it will be explained at that time in a serious manner. Example, "MIL, Baby J is on a pretty strict diet and we want to keep it that way. He eats this container of baby food at 3pm, and a bottle at 6. He can have the snacks in the bag if he's hungry, but please don't give him anything else. That would be great."

      Oh how I wish I could mention this directly to her, but if you knew my MIL, then you'd know that isn't something that would go well. I'm not questioning her parenting skills, but she isn't the parent in this case. Not sure I could explain that any harder to my husband either. Overall, I am pissed off and still very upset about the whole situation. Who in their right mid gives an infant sweet tea anyway? An infant that isn't your own child? Grandchild or not. It's not the same thing.

Dealing with uncomfortable emotions...

I don't know if I've posted this here before, because honestly, it's not something that I like to talk about and I literally live in fear of speaking about it online.. because once it's here, it never goes away. Once you post it, it can always be found. Being that this is an anonymous blog and none of you know who I am - I think this is pretty safe.

My MIL and I don't get along. We can be cordial, but we have never really gotten along. She has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. In the 7 years I have been with my husband, I have seen too many ups and downs to count with her. From extreme ups to the lowest of lows; even being admitted into the hospital for treatment a few summers ago.

I am not comfortable with MIL watching Baby J for extended periods of time. I feel uneasy about it, not to mention that MIL babysat Baby J for a while when I went back to work and it was a disaster for my marriage to say the least. She doesn't make a solid effort to spend time with Baby J like my parents do, and it isn't anyone's fault but her own - but if you asked her, she would blame my husband and I completely. We have both told MIL on several occasions that if she ever wants to see Baby J, all she has to do is call and one of us will being him over for a while. She rarely calls.

Today my husband called me to tell me that his mom is coming to get Baby J tomorrow afternoon and is taking him to see his grandmother in cousins in a neighboring city and wouldn't be home until late, 9 or so. She asked him to pick Baby J up from her house on his way home from work. (Mind you, she lives 2 miles way from our home and my husband doesn't get off work until almost midnight.) I flat out said no to that part. If she wants to take my kid, she can bring him home at a decent hour. I know she asked this to avoid me, but sorry, it's not gonna happen.

I wish I could talk to my husband and explain how I feel. He believes that I don't like Baby J being alone with MIL simply because "I don't like her" and "don't want her to have a strong relationship with Baby J", which isn't the same - at all. Not even close. I would love for Baby J to have a better relationship with MIL but it isn't my responsibility. If she wanted to be close with him, she would. She would call my husband and he would take him over there for a visit. She just doesn't call, so my husband doesn't go visit.

I want to tell him that I don't think he takes the fact that she is a diagnosed and medicated bipolar person and what that really means. It worries me to leave my son with her for extended periods of time. I know she loves him and would never hurt him, but I worry about her patience. I worry about the fact that he is so picky and particular and she knows nothing about him. I worry about the fact that he home isn't even CLOSE to baby proofed, and he is tearing into everything right now. I worry that she will feed him things that I don't want him to eat. I just worry because they don't have much of a relationship and I don't trust ANYONE with my son. It scares me to death.

When I've tried to talk to him about it, I don't think he hears me. He gets mad at me instead of tries to understand why I feel the way I feel.