One of my really good friends has lost about 80lbs in the last year and a half, citing me as one of his biggest inspirations. This has always made me feel awesome. But, being at his surprise party this past Saturday made me feel lost on my own goals.
Celebrating his achievements was amazing. His closest friends and family all gathered together and said our congrats and Happy Birthdays to him. He looks amazing, feels amazing, and is so proud of himself. I couldn't help but MISS that feeling. No one said, "Wow you look awesome!" or "How much weight have you lost now?!" to me... for the first time in a really long time.
As pictures started to surface of this party, I was so horrified. Holy shit. I feel embarassed and sad. Not to mention, behind my back I heard a few people say, "It's so nice to be able to hang out with her without her kid around", and things like that. No joke. It was nice for ME to be out and about without my son attached to my hip, but I guess it just hurt.
I have also noticed that I'm not having as much sex as usual. If we do have sex, probably 80% of the time I am the one initiating it. I feel like I've severly disappointed my husband also. I know that he knows that having Baby J was both hard on me mentally and physicially, but I think now he sees that I've lost control of who I was becoming, and he LIKED that girl. Hell, I LIKED THAT GIRL.
How do I get her back?
Monday, January 30, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
First girls night out since Baby J was born!
Saturday night, I had my first 'girls night out' since my son was born. I left Baby J at home with my husband! I drove over an hour away to meet up with ONE girl that I knew, brought my bestfriend, and several others I had never met before. She had cooked dinner and we made a bon fire. Drinking games came along, and I had a few shots but nothing else for the rest of the night. My bestie, on the other hand, was DRUNK. I mean, throwing up on the side of the highway drunk. I was jealous. I got home at a decent hour (about 12:30am) and my sweet baby was fast asleep and my husband was VERY glad to see me! Poor guy.
That night, Baby J woke up a LOT. I'm positive he is teething, though I don't see anything yet. It was awful. He woke up every 10 minutes or so from 4:30am on. My sweet husband let me take a nap the next day, and I slept for over two hours! I was so fucking happy. It's ridiculous to be that excited and thankful for a NAP, isn't it? I miss mid-afternoon naps on the weekends. They are nonexistant now. I don't know how many times I said thank you to him.
As I was sitting around the fire on Saturday night, looking at my best friend taking swings of home made liquor and wondering how my husband was doing with Baby J, I was so happy to be there - in the woods - just hanging out. No time to be home and the good company of other married women and women with children - all of which were skanky drunk except me. I wish I could have joined more, but the drive was too much and at the time, I had no death wish. This is something we want to do monthly. Hopefully that works out, because I really needed it.
As for watching what I eat and working out goes? Yeah - that didn't happen. That was also supposed to be the plan for today - but that didn't happen either. I am having a really hard time not giving in to cravings. One day at a time, I suppose.
That night, Baby J woke up a LOT. I'm positive he is teething, though I don't see anything yet. It was awful. He woke up every 10 minutes or so from 4:30am on. My sweet husband let me take a nap the next day, and I slept for over two hours! I was so fucking happy. It's ridiculous to be that excited and thankful for a NAP, isn't it? I miss mid-afternoon naps on the weekends. They are nonexistant now. I don't know how many times I said thank you to him.
As I was sitting around the fire on Saturday night, looking at my best friend taking swings of home made liquor and wondering how my husband was doing with Baby J, I was so happy to be there - in the woods - just hanging out. No time to be home and the good company of other married women and women with children - all of which were skanky drunk except me. I wish I could have joined more, but the drive was too much and at the time, I had no death wish. This is something we want to do monthly. Hopefully that works out, because I really needed it.
As for watching what I eat and working out goes? Yeah - that didn't happen. That was also supposed to be the plan for today - but that didn't happen either. I am having a really hard time not giving in to cravings. One day at a time, I suppose.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Losing weight... again. Sighhh.
Before I got pregnant, I lost over 90lbs in 9 months. I was a kicking ass gym loving machine. When I got pregnant, it sucked the energy out of me. I would come home everyday from work, put on PJ's and sleep. I mean, SLEEP. 6pm until the very next morning. I could barely function at work, and I would fall asleep at the dinner table constantly. I was drained.
My religious gym routine took a major nose dive, but I was pretty good about watching what I ate. But when I got to be about 20 weeks along, and none of my clothes fit, my diet went all to hell also. I just quit all together. It was too much work and I was too emotionally and physically drained to keep up with the calorie counting anymore.
By the time my son was born, I had gained 50lbs total. From what the doctor said, that was pretty normal and she expected that much from me. I was mad, but when I went back for my 6 week check up, I had lost all but 15lbs of it!! It would take me less than 2 months to lose that 15lbs if I had done it right away....
Unfortunately, I was put on an anti-depressant for a severe case of the 'baby blues', as well as birth control pills during that visit. I also wasn't cleared to go to the gym yet because my c-section experience had been so traumatic that I could still barely bend to pick anything off the floor.
The anti-depressant and the birth control pills - along with me not being able to exercise yet - was a recipe for my body's disaster. I soon packed on another 30lbs in the last 4 months. I am ALMOST the same weight I was when I was 9 months pregnant. Isn't that ridiculous? I am, in no means blaming my weight gain solely on the medication, but it certainly didn't help. I have since stopped both medications and the gain has slowed a LOT, but I still can't get my diet under control.
My husband and I have opposite schedules, so going to the gym for either of us is IMPOSSIBLE. He is with my son all morning long, then has to go to work until 11:00pm every night. I work a regular 8-5pm job, so I am with only my son all night long. None of the gym's here in my area offer childcare for children under the age of 1 year, and I live too far away from any relatives to ask them to watch him for a few hours a week so that I can get a gym routine in check. I feel so alone all the time. I eat to compensate for feeling lonely as well as slightly depressed about my life getting blown to pieces over the past year.
I just don't know what to do. I think I'm going to start bringing the gym to me. I want to buy an elliptical and put it in my son's room. I'll move his crib into my bedroom if I have to. I just can't keep doing this anymore. I feel so guilty for my gain and I feel like people are constantly judging me for gaining weight back after I just had my child. I also feel like my husband is disappointed in me. He was SO proud of me before, and our relationship was amazing. It still is, for the most part, but it could be better if I just FELT better about myself.
I try to explain to people WHY it has been impossible for me to get back in shape, and I feel like they think I'm making excuses or that I am full of shit. They will never understand how wrong they are or how awful I already feel without them judging me. Especially these dicks with no kids. I want to get out of my house and work out. I want to sweat and have that hour away sometimes.
Guess where I'll be on Saturday morning? The fucking gym.
My religious gym routine took a major nose dive, but I was pretty good about watching what I ate. But when I got to be about 20 weeks along, and none of my clothes fit, my diet went all to hell also. I just quit all together. It was too much work and I was too emotionally and physically drained to keep up with the calorie counting anymore.
By the time my son was born, I had gained 50lbs total. From what the doctor said, that was pretty normal and she expected that much from me. I was mad, but when I went back for my 6 week check up, I had lost all but 15lbs of it!! It would take me less than 2 months to lose that 15lbs if I had done it right away....
Unfortunately, I was put on an anti-depressant for a severe case of the 'baby blues', as well as birth control pills during that visit. I also wasn't cleared to go to the gym yet because my c-section experience had been so traumatic that I could still barely bend to pick anything off the floor.
The anti-depressant and the birth control pills - along with me not being able to exercise yet - was a recipe for my body's disaster. I soon packed on another 30lbs in the last 4 months. I am ALMOST the same weight I was when I was 9 months pregnant. Isn't that ridiculous? I am, in no means blaming my weight gain solely on the medication, but it certainly didn't help. I have since stopped both medications and the gain has slowed a LOT, but I still can't get my diet under control.
My husband and I have opposite schedules, so going to the gym for either of us is IMPOSSIBLE. He is with my son all morning long, then has to go to work until 11:00pm every night. I work a regular 8-5pm job, so I am with only my son all night long. None of the gym's here in my area offer childcare for children under the age of 1 year, and I live too far away from any relatives to ask them to watch him for a few hours a week so that I can get a gym routine in check. I feel so alone all the time. I eat to compensate for feeling lonely as well as slightly depressed about my life getting blown to pieces over the past year.
I just don't know what to do. I think I'm going to start bringing the gym to me. I want to buy an elliptical and put it in my son's room. I'll move his crib into my bedroom if I have to. I just can't keep doing this anymore. I feel so guilty for my gain and I feel like people are constantly judging me for gaining weight back after I just had my child. I also feel like my husband is disappointed in me. He was SO proud of me before, and our relationship was amazing. It still is, for the most part, but it could be better if I just FELT better about myself.
I try to explain to people WHY it has been impossible for me to get back in shape, and I feel like they think I'm making excuses or that I am full of shit. They will never understand how wrong they are or how awful I already feel without them judging me. Especially these dicks with no kids. I want to get out of my house and work out. I want to sweat and have that hour away sometimes.
Guess where I'll be on Saturday morning? The fucking gym.
Selfish feelings?
I've decided that going to BabyCenter.com to get some honest opinions was probably not the best idea. Obviously that website is full of stay at home mama's who don't like hearing others opinions or my use of language.
I get it. You weren't raised this way and don't understand my use of profanity. That's cool. Don't read the fuckery that I post then. Deal?
Moving on, a few girls did bring up a good point - feeling alone in your 'selfish' feelings. You girls aren't alone. Trust me on this. I know it's a hard thing to talk about because it may make you feel like you're a terrible person or a terrible mother, but you aren't. I wish that I could go to the gym and get my old body back. I wish I had more energy. I wish I had more money to spend on things for MYSELF, but my son constantly needs formula, diapers, and clothes.
Some of them expressed selfish feelings of wanting to stop breast feeding so that they can drink soda/beer/whatever. That's okay. That's the entire reason that I decided to formula feed. (Well, that and I couldn't figure it out and was too embarassed to ask for help.)
It is something that a lot of us struggle with, and I am definitely one of them. Sometimes, when a rare phone call comes from my friends and they are all at some bar or resturant having drinks and sharing dirty jokes and sex stories, I get immensely jealous and want to cry. None of them understand the challenges I've faced in the past year because either they don't have kids or they are comfortable pawning them off on family members more often than I am willing to do. They check in at concerts, shows, movie theaters, etc. I feel a wave of emotion come over me. When my son was smaller, I'd stare at home and feel a slight tinge of resentment at his timing. Now that he is older and smiles when I walk in the room or laughs when I talk to him, I don't have that feeling anymore. Now, I just feel... I don't know, frusterated?
My husband and I have opposite working schedules. I work from 8-5pm and he works 3-11pm. We also live 20+ minutes away from the one person I'd be comfortable leaving my son with so that I could go to the gym or have dinner with friends -- my mother. So needless to say, I get NO alone time and almost NO time with my friends. The nights that my husband is off, (which is twice every 8 days or so), I like to spend time with him. I feel guilty if I leave him alone with our son for too long, and I rush home because I know his patience isn't as good as mine and my fear of my husband resenting ME overwhelms me.
However, I am attending a 'girls night' at a friend of mines this Saturday night and leaving my son home with my husband. I hope that I can actually enjoy myself.
I get it. You weren't raised this way and don't understand my use of profanity. That's cool. Don't read the fuckery that I post then. Deal?
Moving on, a few girls did bring up a good point - feeling alone in your 'selfish' feelings. You girls aren't alone. Trust me on this. I know it's a hard thing to talk about because it may make you feel like you're a terrible person or a terrible mother, but you aren't. I wish that I could go to the gym and get my old body back. I wish I had more energy. I wish I had more money to spend on things for MYSELF, but my son constantly needs formula, diapers, and clothes.
Some of them expressed selfish feelings of wanting to stop breast feeding so that they can drink soda/beer/whatever. That's okay. That's the entire reason that I decided to formula feed. (Well, that and I couldn't figure it out and was too embarassed to ask for help.)
It is something that a lot of us struggle with, and I am definitely one of them. Sometimes, when a rare phone call comes from my friends and they are all at some bar or resturant having drinks and sharing dirty jokes and sex stories, I get immensely jealous and want to cry. None of them understand the challenges I've faced in the past year because either they don't have kids or they are comfortable pawning them off on family members more often than I am willing to do. They check in at concerts, shows, movie theaters, etc. I feel a wave of emotion come over me. When my son was smaller, I'd stare at home and feel a slight tinge of resentment at his timing. Now that he is older and smiles when I walk in the room or laughs when I talk to him, I don't have that feeling anymore. Now, I just feel... I don't know, frusterated?
My husband and I have opposite working schedules. I work from 8-5pm and he works 3-11pm. We also live 20+ minutes away from the one person I'd be comfortable leaving my son with so that I could go to the gym or have dinner with friends -- my mother. So needless to say, I get NO alone time and almost NO time with my friends. The nights that my husband is off, (which is twice every 8 days or so), I like to spend time with him. I feel guilty if I leave him alone with our son for too long, and I rush home because I know his patience isn't as good as mine and my fear of my husband resenting ME overwhelms me.
However, I am attending a 'girls night' at a friend of mines this Saturday night and leaving my son home with my husband. I hope that I can actually enjoy myself.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Why are stay at home mom's such bitches?
Am I the only working mom out there who finds that asking advice from another mother who is a stay at home mom is like asking a scientist how to make ice? Seriously.
I have a few acquaintances who have become stay at home mom's over the past few years. Their whole life revolves around their child and they are always posting stupid ass DIY kid shit because they're broke and unlike me, have to use their imaginations to play with their babies. I just go buy shit.
I've been a member of the website BabyCenter.com since I was pregnant. I liked being able to post on the forums questions I had while I was pregnant about pregnancy and now that I have had my son, I frequently post questions about teething and stupid shit that I have no idea about. A lot of the responses are these long drawn out wikipedia like responses, which often criticize the responses of other first time, confused mama's like me. How the shit am I supposed to know to put a wash cloth in the freezer?
I can make a mean margarita though. Just sayin.
I don't know if some of these women are stuck in depression 1950's relationships or if they honestly love spending every hour of their day speaking in high pitches baby talk, but I respect what they do. I don't want to come off that I don't - because I could NEVER do that shit. I love my son to death, but I need adult interaction wayyyy more than that. I was that chick that begged the doctor to go back to work early after her c-section.
I have a few acquaintances who have become stay at home mom's over the past few years. Their whole life revolves around their child and they are always posting stupid ass DIY kid shit because they're broke and unlike me, have to use their imaginations to play with their babies. I just go buy shit.
I've been a member of the website BabyCenter.com since I was pregnant. I liked being able to post on the forums questions I had while I was pregnant about pregnancy and now that I have had my son, I frequently post questions about teething and stupid shit that I have no idea about. A lot of the responses are these long drawn out wikipedia like responses, which often criticize the responses of other first time, confused mama's like me. How the shit am I supposed to know to put a wash cloth in the freezer?
I can make a mean margarita though. Just sayin.
I don't know if some of these women are stuck in depression 1950's relationships or if they honestly love spending every hour of their day speaking in high pitches baby talk, but I respect what they do. I don't want to come off that I don't - because I could NEVER do that shit. I love my son to death, but I need adult interaction wayyyy more than that. I was that chick that begged the doctor to go back to work early after her c-section.
INTRODUCTION
I'm a 26 year old woman, married and mother to an obnoxiously cute 5 month old son. I enjoy sleeping in, shopping, sex, money, taking cruises, trying new foods and alone time. All of which I miss very, very much.
My husband and I had been married for almost 5 years when we found out that we were having our first child. As I stood there, holding a piss stick and sobbing in horror (ugly cry, snot and all), my husband was a gleaming mess of excitement. I had been foiled.
I always knew that I wanted to have a child - but being that I was having a damn good time NOT having a child, I wanted to wait. I had spent the entire year of 2010 dedicated to bettering myself as a person both mentally and physically. I had ALWAYS been overweight, but that year I LIVED in the gym and lost almost 100lbs. I cut my long, luxurious curls into a shorter, more updated hair style, went tanning like a crazy person, and took really good care of both myself and my relationship with my husband.
Things had never been better.
So, needless to say, I was horrified and not ready by any means. I was sad and angry, and throughout the whole pregnancy - which was a horrific experience physically for me - I was terrified. I gained 50lbs back (which I'm still holding on to, THANK YOU BABY J!) and my life had been turned upside down. I never felt an attachment to my child while I was pregnancy and never did until he was almost 2 months old. It was a hard year.
Now that my son is 5 months old, I am hopelessly in love with him and even more in love with my husband that I have ever been. That being said, I MISS MY OLD LIFE. I have no social life, no money, no time for the gym and NO energy. None of my clothes fit, none of my friends call, and I feel a huge disconnect from the world.
I am no longer angry about the pregnancy, and I don't resent having my son at all. Truly, madly, deeply. I regret the way I felt about the situation, I am hurt that pregnancy couldn't have been a wonderful experience for me and I am disappointed in myself for letting my weight go and not watching more carefully what I ate and how much I exercised. I could have easily prevented that whole situation, which is why I think I am so mad at myself now.
I am making mistakes and learning things every single day about my new role as a mother. Thing blog isn't going to be some cheesefest full of DIY projects and recipes, kids games and sewing shit. Let's be real. I'm a working mom who doesn't have a talent to save her life.
Basically, if this blog were scratch and sniff, it would smell like spit up and tears.
My husband and I had been married for almost 5 years when we found out that we were having our first child. As I stood there, holding a piss stick and sobbing in horror (ugly cry, snot and all), my husband was a gleaming mess of excitement. I had been foiled.
I always knew that I wanted to have a child - but being that I was having a damn good time NOT having a child, I wanted to wait. I had spent the entire year of 2010 dedicated to bettering myself as a person both mentally and physically. I had ALWAYS been overweight, but that year I LIVED in the gym and lost almost 100lbs. I cut my long, luxurious curls into a shorter, more updated hair style, went tanning like a crazy person, and took really good care of both myself and my relationship with my husband.
Things had never been better.
So, needless to say, I was horrified and not ready by any means. I was sad and angry, and throughout the whole pregnancy - which was a horrific experience physically for me - I was terrified. I gained 50lbs back (which I'm still holding on to, THANK YOU BABY J!) and my life had been turned upside down. I never felt an attachment to my child while I was pregnancy and never did until he was almost 2 months old. It was a hard year.
Now that my son is 5 months old, I am hopelessly in love with him and even more in love with my husband that I have ever been. That being said, I MISS MY OLD LIFE. I have no social life, no money, no time for the gym and NO energy. None of my clothes fit, none of my friends call, and I feel a huge disconnect from the world.
I am no longer angry about the pregnancy, and I don't resent having my son at all. Truly, madly, deeply. I regret the way I felt about the situation, I am hurt that pregnancy couldn't have been a wonderful experience for me and I am disappointed in myself for letting my weight go and not watching more carefully what I ate and how much I exercised. I could have easily prevented that whole situation, which is why I think I am so mad at myself now.
I am making mistakes and learning things every single day about my new role as a mother. Thing blog isn't going to be some cheesefest full of DIY projects and recipes, kids games and sewing shit. Let's be real. I'm a working mom who doesn't have a talent to save her life.
Basically, if this blog were scratch and sniff, it would smell like spit up and tears.
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