It's been a while..

It's been 5 months since I updated, and a lot has happened.  Baby J is currently occupying himself by jumping on the couch, and I'm going to let him because it looks like a blast and he's laughing his ass off.

DH applied out of state for a police officer job, but so did 1500 other people in that area. He scored #243 out of 1500 people, and they are only hiring about 100 people. Needless to say, he didn't get the job.

I got a huge raise and a promotion at work. A leadership position for a 3 dollar an hour raise! It hasn't gone into effect yet, but I can't wait to see how big of a difference it really makes in our lives.

DH is tired of his job and wants a change. We can afford for him to go back to school, but even with my raise I am not sure we could afford full time daycare, so he is pretty bummed. I think he feels bored and that our lives are boring, which they are for the most part. We wake up, go to work, take care of our kid and never do anything else.  I can see why he would feel this way. I want desperately to help him, I just don't know what I can do.

Baby J's babysitter is moving out of town, so we had to find a new sitter. We did find one who came from a friends recommendation and lives closer to us, also. We met her and I really liked her. He starts in a few weeks and I am kind of nervous. Jackson is weird about new people, so I wonder how it will go. Luckily he loves other kids and the other children she keeps are his age.

Weight loss? I did well for a month or so and then I got bronchitis and it all went to hell. I haven't found the right track. I keep failing myself. I feel like I am failing DH also. I know he will love me no matter what, but I also know what it's like to be desired, and this isn't it.

I crave a vacation to somewhere in the sun, but I am too embarrassed to wear a bathing suit and too insecure to be surrounded by a bunch of people who are comfortable in their skin. I know that sounds awful, but it's the truth.

Baby J is talking up a storm now, he babbles like a crazy person. He often sounds like he had a mild form of tourettes. I am so hopelessly in love with him, and he knows it, and runs me over. I'm not the disciplinarian like I thought I would be. As I mentioned above, he's jumping on the couch and I haven't mentioned for him to stop because he is having a blast. This will bite me in the ass very soon, I am sure of it.

Tomorrow, the husband and Baby J are leaving for the weekend to go visit DH's dad 20 hours away. I'm so nervous and freaked out about being away from him for that long, but too be honest, I am looking forward to the alone time.

      As a full time working mom, "alone time" is nonexistant. To be honest, I don't remember the last time that I had a few hours alone to myself. Most of the time, I don't even take a piss alone. It's been a process but I have gotten so used to it that it's normal and I don't think twice when a loud toddle rams the bathroom door open mid-shitting.

      This Christmas will be the first that we have as a family. While they are gone, I am going to clean my house like crazy and then put up the small amount of Christmas decorations that I have. My sister gave me a tree and some lights, my first in many years. I am excited for them to come house and it all be put together.

     Our place raised our rent over $200 a month and we just can't afford to stay. We are moving in January and I am both horrified and excited for the new place. Baby J will finally have his own room, and I am dreading it. Needless to say, he and I have some serious attachment issues.

    I think I'll spend at least one night watching TV all night in my underwear.

     I have never been so broke in my life as we are right now. I have $4 right now and don't get paid for a week; and the only reason I have the $4 I have right now is because my parents gave me $50 to give DH to take with him on his trip because he has no money. We almost didn't get the apartment that we found because there was a $200 deposit. I posted on FB about it and someone mysteriously paid our deposit for us. I have a feeling it was my aunt, but the lady at the complex was sworn to secrecy about who paid. I cried I was so happy and relieved. I didn't know where we were going to live.

      DH is going to visit his dad to apply for a position there. It would be more money and cheaper living expenses. Huge. I want to run away from this place. I am so unhappy.

The cost of having a family.

It's been 2 months since I last wrote. Dang.

        When I last wrote, Baby J had just taken his first steps. Seems like years ago. Baby J is now running around like crazy, proclaiming he has arrived everytime he catches your eye with a loud, "Hey!!!!"

He is outstanding.

      This time of the year if not my favorite. I hate the holidays. They always come with so much drama surrounding DH's family, mostly just my MIL. DH usually works the holidays and she doesn't understand that DH also has my family to visit in the short amount of time that he has on those days before he heads off to work. It's a frusterating situation. At some point between the beginning of November and the end of Decemeber, I will end up crying at least twice. Awful.

      A big thing about the holidays with us, is that we are SO broke, and it is SO expensive to buy for everyone in the family. In fact, last year, MIL agreed that all the adults would only buy for children and no one would buy for each other, since apparently everyone else was also low on cash. Turns out, everyone still bought gifts for one another anyway. I sat there, holding Baby J while DH was gone at work and they exchanged gifts in front of me. I was really embarassed.

      This year we are trying to convince both my family and his to do a white elephant gift or to draw names during Thanksgiving. At least this time if the same thing happens, DH will be with me and I won't be looking stupid alone.

      We are leaving on our first real trip with Baby J next week. We are going to visit DH's dad and his family across the country. I am excited to get away from here for a while. I am also nervous and embarassed because I have gained so much weight since the last time I saw them - about 50lbs. Really embarassing.

Milestones.

        Last week, I saw Baby J take his very first step. This week, he is wobbling all over the place. Only a few feet before he falls, but it is amazing how fast he is learning and growing. I am in awe of him, truly. I saw him take his first few steps and I burst into happy tears and hugged him so tight.

        It's hard to believe in just a few days he will be a whole year old. My husband and I had decided together not to throw a birthday party for him, but he was pressured by his mother to have some sort of family get together for him. It's exactly what I didn't want to do. I would have loved to have a party, but with get togethers always comes drama with my MIL. I didn't want to remember Baby J's first birthday the same as I remember my pregnancy, my baby shower, his birth, his first Christmas... basically all of which are horrific memories for me partly because of some kind of drama with my MIL.

        After a few pretty nasty flare ups between the husband and I, we decided on a small famil dinner at a local resturant - inviting only immediate family on both sides. This still ends up being 15 or so people, but it's a lot better than the 40+ that was on a list for a party we previously planned before my axiety started to get the best of me.

        So tomorrow night is the night and I am really nervous. MIL is very jealous of Baby J's relationship with my parents, and I always hate getting both sides of our family together because of this reason. I just hope it's short, sweet and goes smoothly. I'm not bringing a cake or anything like that. I will have the resturant bring a small peice of dessert for Baby J only and we will sing and open presents as best as we can.

      On his actual birthday, it will be just the husband, Baby J and I enjoying a day on the beach with cupcakes and toys. I want it to be low key and stress free. No family, no friends, no money, no drama. I am really looking forward to that. Please pray that all goes well the next few days. I am pretty stressed as the days get closer together. I just want it all to go well so badly.

     My anxiety is through the roof lately. It's bad enough that I have been considering talking to my primary care doctor about it. Baby J is my whole world. The sun rises and sets with him. He is my shadow. I get up, go to work, pick him up, play with him, feed him and off to bed he goes around 8pm every night.
     From 8pm until 11:30pm or so, I am alone. I wish so badly that I could go to the gym. I know part of my social anxiety is because I have gained all the weight that I lost before I got pregnant with Baby J back in 2010. I'm embarassed. I don't have any clothes, and I feel uncomfortable in social situations now. Anyone who knows me, knows that this isn't typical. It's quite the opposite actually. I am so physically exhausted by the time Jackson goes to bed that, to be honest, doing a workout at home.... is horrific for me. It never worked for me before. I needed the PUSH of the gym equipment, and the feel of the sauna afterwards kept my degenerative disc disease from flaring up and allowed me to continue on. I just MISS that escape so much.
      My parents were looking at apartments really close to mine recently, and I was really hoping that they would move closer so that I could leave Baby J with them a few days a week just so that go to the gym. They ended up resigning the lease with their old apartment complex since they didn't think they could afford to move. I was honestly devastated, though I would never tell anyone because it was for selfish reasons only.
      I looked into a gym by our house that supposively has the best child care of any of the gyms in our area. Unfortuntely, it is almost $75 a month JUST for me. I decided that when Baby J turns a year old next month, I will take him to the gym that I am a baby of already and try out their child care facility and see how he likes it. I am honestly afraid of exposing him to new germs more than anything. Thats my anxiety flaring up again.
     I find myself making excuses for my weight gain and crazy overprotectiveness of Baby J. I know there isn't any excuse. I know that I could do home exercises every single night and lose weight consistantly. I also know fully that my eating habits are horrific. Being home alone all the time makes it really easy to order food out or stop by a fast food place on the way home. I can't cook at home when it is just me and Baby J. He is all over me, climbing my legs and such. If I keep him no the other side of the baby gate, he just shakes it and screams. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of disappointment.

He ate WHAT?

Update to previous post from 6/5/12...

      The hours between when I got off work and Baby J came home (about 9:40pm) were awful. I was literally shaking at some point, wondering how he was doing and if he missed me. It soon became clear to me that this wasn't happening again for a long, long time. Nope.

      When my MIL dropped Baby J off, I snatched him up and hugged him SO TIGHT. His face was sticky and his hair was drenched in sweat. (he sweats like crazy in his sleep, especially in his carseat.) MIL thanked me for letting them take him, then told me a variety of things that he ate while he was gone.

      It wasn't until a little while later that I realized what had happened. I am VERY serious about what Baby J eats. Being an overweight person my whole life, my parents didn't teach me about nutrition. Not until before Baby J was born had I learned anything at all - and thats when I decided to turn my life around. My husband, also being overweight his whole life, doesn't want Baby J to go through the same experiences that he went through. Not to mention the various food allergies in my family. So, in short, we are very serious about what he eats.

      Right now, he eats baby food for breakfast (oatmeal mixed with some kind of fruit usually.) Then a mid-morning 8oz bottle of formula. Lunch time he gets a veggie baby food, then dinner time is a mixed meal of baby food. (turkey with mixed veggies, chicken and rice, etc.) and at that time we usually give him bits and peices of whatever veggie we are eating with our meal. He also gets Gerber baby snacks and watered down sugar free juice in between meals. When he eats something new, it's only that one thing for at least 24 hours. I want to make sure that he doesn't have an allergic reaction. (this was recommended by my pediatrician also.)

      My husband knows how important this is to me. I asked him to please relay this to his mother. Apparently, she forgot. Later on, I see pictures of Baby J on Facebook drinking SWEET TEA of all things, and eating pie, cake, olives, breads, etc. When I unpacked his diaper bag (which was fully stocked with everything she needed) NONE of it had been eaten. None.

      So all 8 hours that my son was gone, he ate a bunch of shit. Not only was it shit, but it was SO much shit. What if he had an allergic reaction and me or my husband wasn't there? How would we even know what was causing the reaction?

      My husband and I had a long heart to heart after this. My heart has been beating twice as fast since this day, I swear to you. I was so angry. I was mostly angry at home for not being forceful with how serious this was and explaining his diet well. He said he didn't think it was as big of a deal as I did. We needed to get on the same page.

      I decided not to mention this to my MIL because I don't want to start any drama. My husband and I decided that next time she wants him (and only for a few hours and not past 7pm at my request and sanity) then it will be explained at that time in a serious manner. Example, "MIL, Baby J is on a pretty strict diet and we want to keep it that way. He eats this container of baby food at 3pm, and a bottle at 6. He can have the snacks in the bag if he's hungry, but please don't give him anything else. That would be great."

      Oh how I wish I could mention this directly to her, but if you knew my MIL, then you'd know that isn't something that would go well. I'm not questioning her parenting skills, but she isn't the parent in this case. Not sure I could explain that any harder to my husband either. Overall, I am pissed off and still very upset about the whole situation. Who in their right mid gives an infant sweet tea anyway? An infant that isn't your own child? Grandchild or not. It's not the same thing.

Dealing with uncomfortable emotions...

I don't know if I've posted this here before, because honestly, it's not something that I like to talk about and I literally live in fear of speaking about it online.. because once it's here, it never goes away. Once you post it, it can always be found. Being that this is an anonymous blog and none of you know who I am - I think this is pretty safe.

My MIL and I don't get along. We can be cordial, but we have never really gotten along. She has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. In the 7 years I have been with my husband, I have seen too many ups and downs to count with her. From extreme ups to the lowest of lows; even being admitted into the hospital for treatment a few summers ago.

I am not comfortable with MIL watching Baby J for extended periods of time. I feel uneasy about it, not to mention that MIL babysat Baby J for a while when I went back to work and it was a disaster for my marriage to say the least. She doesn't make a solid effort to spend time with Baby J like my parents do, and it isn't anyone's fault but her own - but if you asked her, she would blame my husband and I completely. We have both told MIL on several occasions that if she ever wants to see Baby J, all she has to do is call and one of us will being him over for a while. She rarely calls.

Today my husband called me to tell me that his mom is coming to get Baby J tomorrow afternoon and is taking him to see his grandmother in cousins in a neighboring city and wouldn't be home until late, 9 or so. She asked him to pick Baby J up from her house on his way home from work. (Mind you, she lives 2 miles way from our home and my husband doesn't get off work until almost midnight.) I flat out said no to that part. If she wants to take my kid, she can bring him home at a decent hour. I know she asked this to avoid me, but sorry, it's not gonna happen.

I wish I could talk to my husband and explain how I feel. He believes that I don't like Baby J being alone with MIL simply because "I don't like her" and "don't want her to have a strong relationship with Baby J", which isn't the same - at all. Not even close. I would love for Baby J to have a better relationship with MIL but it isn't my responsibility. If she wanted to be close with him, she would. She would call my husband and he would take him over there for a visit. She just doesn't call, so my husband doesn't go visit.

I want to tell him that I don't think he takes the fact that she is a diagnosed and medicated bipolar person and what that really means. It worries me to leave my son with her for extended periods of time. I know she loves him and would never hurt him, but I worry about her patience. I worry about the fact that he is so picky and particular and she knows nothing about him. I worry about the fact that he home isn't even CLOSE to baby proofed, and he is tearing into everything right now. I worry that she will feed him things that I don't want him to eat. I just worry because they don't have much of a relationship and I don't trust ANYONE with my son. It scares me to death.

When I've tried to talk to him about it, I don't think he hears me. He gets mad at me instead of tries to understand why I feel the way I feel.

My first Mothers Day

My very first Mothers Day was this past Sunday, and to be honest, it wasn't all that great. Seemed like a normal Sunday.

I woke up and took care of Baby J until my husband woke up around 9:30am. He took me out to breakfast (which was nice and out of the ordinary!) and it was fun except that Baby J started to get whiney and tired and we had to rush the last bit of it.

Once we got home, I went to take a nap. All I asked for was a nap for Mothers Day. One, long uninterrupted nap. Nobody calling me waking me up, no alarm clocks and no crying babies. Instead, the baby slept in his crib next to our bed and woke me up a little over an hour into my nap. So much for that.

My husband went to work, then I had to get both myself and my son dressed to head to my Mom's house. We exchanged gifts (she got me a beautiful dress that fit perfect) and I got her a Keurig. She set up a table full of finger foods, and my nephews and I ate until we couldn't eat anymore. Meanwhile, Baby J is crabby and I was crabby because of my half asses nap.

Not going to lie, I am sad that I didn't get a card, my long nap or the curtains I asked for in my bedroom. It's made me re-think my plans for Father's Day also.

I ended up deciding not to get cards or gifts for my own mother or mother in law from Baby J. I didn't have much money left and didn't want to start a tradition that I may not be able to uphold. Shitty, I know.

Mother's Day is cominnnnng

My first real Mother's Day is coming, and I'm not sure what to expect. Last year, I got a card from my mom, my husband and my father in law - all "Mama to be" cards, it was so sweet! I honestly want something relaxing. Maybe a new bed set, a massage, a few hours alone would be nice too.

I'm also kind of stuck on what I am supposed to do, if anything, for my mother and my mother in law. Do I buy cards and put Jackson's hand print in them? Do I make something? Am I even supposed to do that...?

I'm not sure what the ettique it on that part. I know my mother wouldn't care either way, but I would hear about it forever from my Mother in law, I am sure of it.

Suggestions?

I think I like him.

This is going to be one brutally honest bloggery right here.

Well, I had a pretty severe case of the baby blue after Baby J was born, and it was awful. Medication and time has healed a lot of how I felt, but the other day is dawned on me that I genuinely LIKE Baby J now.

I always know that I LOVED him, but being someones Mama is hard work. It takes a lot of time, patience and dedication - all of which I have almost none of. I went through the motions for a few months - doing what I was supposed to do. It's a hard thing to feed someone, bathe them, clothe them, entertain them, and then do it over and over and over with what FEELS like no return except a crying baby and an even more crying and frusterated Mama.

In the last two months, Baby J has become fun. He laughs, talks, and is able to finally entertain himself and play on his own for a few minutes. He also holds his own bottle, sits up, rolls around on the floor and watches cartoons. Putting his own pacifier in his mouth has been something new, which has saved me SO much. Not to mention that he now sleeps in his crib and only wakes up once.

It's getting easier, and I am enjoying his company more often. It's a funny thing to think and to say, because I think so many people just aren't honest about the adjustment and how sometimes the attachment isn't immediate, it takes some time.

So, yeah. I really like him.

Just the two of us.

Baby J went to play with his grandma yesterday for a little while, so the husband and I went out to dinner and a movie. It was lovely and relaxing. Before we went though, we had to make sure to have sex in the house without Baby J there.

It is a rare occasion, and there is just something different about bumpin' uglies when it's just the two of you in the house. You can be as loud as you want, an there is no baby to accidentally wake up.

The whole day was nice. The bangin, the eatin, and the movie all were fantastic. It was just an overall really great weekend.

First night away from Baby J.

My husband and I went away, just overnight last night, to celebrate our anniversary. We left Baby J with my mama, which is the ONLY person I'd ever leave him with comfortably. I wasn't really nervous about it as much as I just felt guilty. I know mama's and daddy's need time away for themselves sometimes, and I understand it. I guess it's just hard for me to admit when I need help taking care of me. I know I can take care of Baby J just fine, but I just have a hard time taking care of myself also. I walk around in clothes that don't fit, shoes with holes in them, roots 3 inches long, and makeup that doesn't match my skin because I can't bare to spend a dime on material things for myself when I know Baby J almost always need something.

So, spending the whole day just with my husband was nice yesterday. I made the huge mistake of wearing a new pair of sandals that my mom bought me for my birthday (last weekend, I needed them so bad, as seen above) and I got huge, nasty blisters on my feet. I didn't bring any extra shoes since we were only staying one night. My feet hurt like crazy and I felt like such a cry baby. It sucked.

Husband bought me some new shoes though, nice tennis shoes from an outlet mall, and they are amazing. I am so happy. We had an amazing dinner and delicious lunch, stayed in a nice hotel and it was just nice. Last night though, I barely slept. I tossed and turned all night and couldn't sleep. I was really disappointed because it was my first night not having to wake up and feed Baby J a few times a night and I was really looking forward to the sleep.

I don't know if that part of my life is gone or what, but I woke up several times through the night and ended up barely sleeping at all. Must have just been my maternal clock ringing. More like screaming.

Oh, and my period decided to start the day before we left for the trip. First period in 4 months, by the way.

On a good note, my parents bought me an elliptical for my birthday. It's set up in Baby J's room, facing the TV. Tomorrow will be the first day that I am full blown calorie counting and exercising again. I am so afraid it isn't funny. I don't know how many times I have started, and failed. Then started again, and failed.  It's even more embarrassing than before because I KNOW what to do now, it's just a matter of will power.

6 months old.

My spawn is 6 months old now. We took him to get his pictures done and he is adorable. I mailed the pictures out yesterday. I can't wait to put ours in frames and put them on our walls. My apartment has become a husge clusterfuck of pictures of my baby. Yes, he is just that cute.

Things have been alright otherwise. Sometimes I feel like I am going to have a mini breakdown. I really miss my friends a lot, and I miss my freedom even more than that.

My birthday is this weekend, and I have been begging for an elliptical for months now. I can't go to the gym so I want something at home that I can do after Baby J goes to nappy's house for the night. I am a machine loving fool; and I need something I can SEE the calories on. Stupid, I know, but I need some motivation.

The following weekend is mine and the husband's wedding anniversary. This will also be the first time that we have spent a night away from Baby J since he was born. I am looking forward to it so much!

"Somebody has to clean this damn house"

      I don't know about you other bitches, but when I was pregnant, I was EXHAUSTED. I would cry because the laundry was so far behind and the house was dirty, but could never get the motivation to clean it all and KEEP it clean. It was awful. Everyone told me this was normal and things would get better once I had my son, but it hasn't. It just hasn't.

      I feel like there is so much to do and not enough time to do anything. Baby J takes up so much of my time when I am home, all I do is try to keep him happy and entertained, which isn't nearly as easy as it sounds. I can't ignore his cries, it drives me crazy. So I get up after a shitty night of on and off sleep, go to work from 8-5pm, pick up Baby J, get home around 6:15pm, feed/change/entertain him, then feed/change/entertain/bath him before he goes to sleep; which is usually around 9-9:30ish. By that time, I am so tired that I literally just lay down and ENJOY the quiet.

      The rest of my home is suffering. It's pretty bad. Today, my husband called me and told me that he called into work - which he never does, by the way - because "there are dishes everywhere, no clean bottles, no clean clothes, this place is a mess and SOMEBODY has to clean it."

      I was devestated. I feel like such an asshole. I feel like I should be such a better wife to him and he deserves better from me. He works hard and shouldn't have to come home to a dirty house like that. It's just SO HARD for me to keep things up now that I am working full time and Baby J is getting to that age that I can't just leave him somewhere and walk away for a while. He just cries and things only keep his attention for a few minutes. It's a constant job and I am feeling so ridiculously ovewhelmed.

Surprise party!

      One of my really good friends has lost about 80lbs in the last year and a half, citing me as one of his biggest inspirations. This has always made me feel awesome. But, being at his surprise party this past Saturday made me feel lost on my own goals.
      Celebrating his achievements was amazing. His closest friends and family all gathered together and said our congrats and Happy Birthdays to him. He looks amazing, feels amazing, and is so proud of himself. I couldn't help but MISS that feeling. No one said, "Wow you look awesome!" or "How much weight have you lost now?!" to me... for the first time in a really long time.
      As pictures started to surface of this party, I was so horrified. Holy shit. I feel embarassed and sad. Not to mention, behind my back I heard a few people say, "It's so nice to be able to hang out with her without her kid around", and things like that. No joke. It was nice for ME to be out and about without my son attached to my hip, but I guess it just hurt.
      I have also noticed that I'm not having as much sex as usual. If we do have sex, probably 80% of the time I am the one initiating it. I feel like I've severly disappointed my husband also. I know that he knows that having Baby J was both hard on me mentally and physicially, but I think now he sees that I've lost control of who I was becoming, and he LIKED that girl. Hell, I LIKED THAT GIRL.
      How do I get her back?

First girls night out since Baby J was born!

      Saturday night, I had my first 'girls night out' since my son was born. I left Baby J at home with my husband! I drove over an hour away to meet up with ONE girl that I knew, brought my bestfriend, and several others I had never met before. She had cooked dinner and we made a bon fire. Drinking games came along, and I had a few shots but nothing else for the rest of the night. My bestie, on the other hand, was DRUNK. I mean, throwing up on the side of the highway drunk. I was jealous. I got home at a decent hour (about 12:30am) and my sweet baby was fast asleep and my husband was VERY glad to see me! Poor guy.

      That night, Baby J woke up a LOT. I'm positive he is teething, though I don't see anything yet. It was awful. He woke up every 10 minutes or so from 4:30am on. My sweet husband let me take a nap the next day, and I slept for over two hours! I was so fucking happy. It's ridiculous to be that excited and thankful for a NAP, isn't it? I miss mid-afternoon naps on the weekends. They are nonexistant now. I don't know how many times I said thank you to him.

      As I was sitting around the fire on Saturday night, looking at my best friend taking swings of home made liquor and wondering how my husband was doing with Baby J, I was so happy to be there - in the woods - just hanging out. No time to be home and the good company of other married women and women with children - all of which were skanky drunk except me. I wish I could have joined more, but the drive was too much and at the time, I had no death wish. This is something we want to do monthly. Hopefully that works out, because I really needed it.

      As for watching what I eat and working out goes? Yeah - that didn't happen. That was also supposed to be the plan for today - but that didn't happen either. I am having a really hard time not giving in to cravings. One day at a time, I suppose.

Losing weight... again. Sighhh.

      Before I got pregnant, I lost over 90lbs in 9 months. I was a kicking ass gym loving machine. When I got pregnant, it sucked the energy out of me. I would come home everyday from work, put on PJ's and sleep. I mean, SLEEP. 6pm until the very next morning. I could barely function at work, and I would fall asleep at the dinner table constantly. I was drained.

      My religious gym routine took a major nose dive, but I was pretty good about watching what I ate. But when I got to be about 20 weeks along, and none of my clothes fit, my diet went all to hell also. I just quit all together. It was too much work and I was too emotionally and physically drained to keep up with the calorie counting anymore.

      By the time my son was born, I had gained 50lbs total. From what the doctor said, that was pretty normal and she expected that much from me. I was mad, but when I went back for my 6 week check up, I had lost all but 15lbs of it!! It would take me less than 2 months to lose that 15lbs if I had done it right away....

      Unfortunately, I was put on an anti-depressant for a severe case of the 'baby blues', as well as birth control pills during that visit. I also wasn't cleared to go to the gym yet because my c-section experience had been so traumatic that I could still barely bend to pick anything off the floor.

      The anti-depressant and the birth control pills - along with me not being able to exercise yet - was a recipe for my body's disaster. I soon packed on another 30lbs in the last 4 months. I am ALMOST the same weight I was when I was 9 months pregnant. Isn't that ridiculous? I am, in no means blaming my weight gain solely on the medication, but it certainly didn't help. I have since stopped both medications and the gain has slowed a LOT, but I still can't get my diet under control.

      My husband and I have opposite schedules, so going to the gym for either of us is IMPOSSIBLE. He is with my son all morning long, then has to go to work until 11:00pm every night. I work a regular 8-5pm job, so I am with only my son all night long. None of the gym's here in my area offer childcare for children under the age of 1 year, and I live too far away from any relatives to ask them to watch him for a few hours a week so that I can get a gym routine in check. I feel so alone all the time. I eat to compensate for feeling lonely as well as slightly depressed about my life getting blown to pieces over the past year.

      I just don't know what to do. I think I'm going to start bringing the gym to me. I want to buy an elliptical and put it in my son's room. I'll move his crib into my bedroom if I have to. I just can't keep doing this anymore. I feel so guilty for my gain and I feel like people are constantly judging me for gaining weight back after I just had my child. I also feel like my husband is disappointed in me. He was SO proud of me before, and our relationship was amazing. It still is, for the most part, but it could be better if I just FELT better about myself.

      I try to explain to people WHY it has been impossible for me to get back in shape, and I feel like they think I'm making excuses or that I am full of shit. They will never understand how wrong they are or how awful I already feel without them judging me. Especially these dicks with no kids. I want to get out of my house and work out. I want to sweat and have that hour away sometimes.

      Guess where I'll be on Saturday morning? The fucking gym.

Selfish feelings?

      I've decided that going to BabyCenter.com to get some honest opinions was probably not the best idea. Obviously that website is full of stay at home mama's who don't like hearing others opinions or my use of language.

      I get it. You weren't raised this way and don't understand my use of profanity. That's cool. Don't read the fuckery that I post then. Deal?

      Moving on, a few girls did bring up a good point - feeling alone in your 'selfish' feelings. You girls aren't alone. Trust me on this. I know it's a hard thing to talk about because it may make you feel like you're a terrible person or a terrible mother, but you aren't. I wish that I could go to the gym and get my old body back. I wish I had more energy. I wish I had more money to spend on things for MYSELF, but my son constantly needs formula, diapers, and clothes.

      Some of them expressed selfish feelings of wanting to stop breast feeding so that they can drink soda/beer/whatever. That's okay. That's the entire reason that I decided to formula feed. (Well, that and I couldn't figure it out and was too embarassed to ask for help.)

      It is something that a lot of us struggle with, and I am definitely one of them. Sometimes, when a rare phone call comes from my friends and they are all at some bar or resturant having drinks and sharing dirty jokes and sex stories, I get immensely jealous and want to cry. None of them understand the challenges I've faced in the past year because either they don't have kids or they are comfortable pawning them off on family members more often than I am willing to do. They check in at concerts, shows, movie theaters, etc. I feel a wave of emotion come over me. When my son was smaller, I'd stare at home and feel a slight tinge of resentment at his timing. Now that he is older and smiles when I walk in the room or laughs when I talk to him, I don't have that feeling anymore. Now, I just feel... I don't know, frusterated?

      My husband and I have opposite working schedules. I work from 8-5pm and he works 3-11pm. We also live 20+ minutes away from the one person I'd be comfortable leaving my son with so that I could go to the gym or have dinner with friends -- my mother. So needless to say, I get NO alone time and almost NO time with my friends. The nights that my husband is off, (which is twice every 8 days or so), I like to spend time with him. I feel guilty if I leave him alone with our son for too long, and I rush home because I know his patience isn't as good as mine and my fear of my husband resenting ME overwhelms me.

      However, I am attending a 'girls night' at a friend of mines this Saturday night and leaving my son home with my husband. I hope that I can actually enjoy myself.

Why are stay at home mom's such bitches?

      Am I the only working mom out there who finds that asking advice from another mother who is a stay at home mom is like asking a scientist how to make ice? Seriously.

      I have a few acquaintances who have become stay at home mom's over the past few years. Their whole life revolves around their child and they are always posting stupid ass DIY kid shit because they're broke and unlike me, have to use their imaginations to play with their babies. I just go buy shit.

      I've been a member of the website BabyCenter.com since I was pregnant. I liked being able to post on the forums questions I had while I was pregnant about pregnancy and now that I have had my son, I frequently post questions about teething and stupid shit that I have no idea about. A lot of the responses are these long drawn out wikipedia like responses, which often criticize the responses of other first time, confused mama's like me. How the shit am I supposed to know to put a wash cloth in the freezer?

I can make a mean margarita though. Just sayin.

      I don't know if some of these women are stuck in depression 1950's relationships or if they honestly love spending every hour of their day speaking in high pitches baby talk, but I respect what they do. I don't want to come off that I don't - because I could NEVER do that shit. I love my son to death, but I need adult interaction wayyyy more than that. I was that chick that begged the doctor to go back to work early after her c-section.

     

INTRODUCTION

      I'm a 26 year old woman, married and mother to an obnoxiously cute 5 month old son. I enjoy sleeping in, shopping, sex, money, taking cruises, trying new foods and alone time. All of which I miss very, very much.

      My husband and I had been married for almost 5 years when we found out that we were having our first child. As I stood there, holding a piss stick and sobbing in horror (ugly cry, snot and all), my husband was a gleaming mess of excitement. I had been foiled.

      I always knew that I wanted to have a child - but being that I was having a damn good time NOT having a child, I wanted to wait. I had spent the entire year of 2010 dedicated to bettering myself as a person both mentally and physically. I had ALWAYS been overweight, but that year I LIVED in the gym and lost almost 100lbs. I cut my long, luxurious curls into a shorter, more updated hair style, went tanning like a crazy person, and took really good care of both myself and my relationship with my husband.

Things had never been better.

     So, needless to say, I was horrified and not ready by any means. I was sad and angry, and throughout the whole pregnancy - which was a horrific experience physically for me - I was terrified. I gained 50lbs back (which I'm still holding on to, THANK YOU BABY J!) and my life had been turned upside down. I never felt an attachment to my child while I was pregnancy and never did until he was almost 2 months old. It was a hard year.

     Now that my son is 5 months old, I am hopelessly in love with him and even more in love with my husband that I have ever been. That being said, I MISS MY OLD LIFE. I have no social life, no money, no time for the gym and NO energy. None of my clothes fit, none of my friends call, and I feel a huge disconnect from the world.

     I am no longer angry about the pregnancy, and I don't resent having my son at all. Truly, madly, deeply. I regret the way I felt about the situation, I am hurt that pregnancy couldn't have been a wonderful experience for me and I am disappointed in myself for letting my weight go and not watching more carefully what I ate and how much I exercised. I could have easily prevented that whole situation, which is why I think I am so mad at myself now.

    I am making mistakes and learning things every single day about my new role as a mother. Thing blog isn't going to be some cheesefest full of DIY projects and recipes, kids games and sewing shit. Let's be real. I'm a working mom who doesn't have a talent to save her life.

Basically, if this blog were scratch and sniff, it would smell like spit up and tears.